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[16 Nov 2009|11:35pm] |
I don't know where the me who could stay up all night is hiding, but I want to see this meteor shower. I don't know if I can stay awake that long, though.
In other news, new John Mayer tomorrow, woohoo!
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[10 Nov 2009|04:48pm] |
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People mention songs and smells reminding them of fragments of their lives. I've found, even weather patterns can trigger mine. It's weird how many single moments can be associated with puddles, or the sound of cars gliding through the water on the street, or the way the wind blows and the sky grows dark as the storm hovers over your piece of home.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[08 Nov 2009|04:25pm] |
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Life is so crazy, but it all eventually works out it some way or another. There are reasons behind all of it regardless of whether we're aware of them. The Well was really good this morning. I had started to build up this wall inside without even realizing it, and it just got completely torn down. I was overwhelmed in a good way. I was slapped in the face by a broader perspective, which is exactly what I needed and wanted. Sometimes I forget about how great and huge God is. He has a hand over EVERYTHING, and he knows what will happen before we do. He knows the future as well. Whatever the hardship is, eventually we come out on the other side. I just need to quit acting like I'm underestimating the range and power He has. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not the one in control.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[03 Nov 2009|11:38am] |
"I know what I have done and I regret it every day. If I could make things right, you know I would find a way."
I'm not even a big fan of Boys Night Out, but they convey everything I'm thinking through that simple one-liner. I hate to go through the emotions of such an intense regret. I understand it's physically and mentally unhealthy. I understand even when we wish we could go back in time and change things, life is moving on whether we like it or not. But it's been a long time, and I still can't get it out of my head. I kind of feel better as I sweep it under the rug again. Maybe it will have made it's one appearance off of the page, and out of my mouth, and never come up again. It's not my place to come barging in on someone's life and tell them that I was wrong and I want to fix it. I don't have that opportunity, and I shouldn't force it. But what I really want is the one chance. I want to see exactly where it all falls apart, and why it wouldn't work. Because I don't know. Because it didn't happen.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[02 Nov 2009|09:24am] |
I wake up, and it's one of those mornings where the blankets are so warm around me, and I don't want to move and spoil the moment. I try to tell myself that I didn't dream about you again last night, but I'd be lying. I don't do it on purpose, you just show up. I try and close my eyes, and think of something else to pretend I dreamed about instead. If I admit you're on my mind, it means it's lingering, and lingering gets me all hung up on silly moments that I can't revive. When things are good you seem so simple and uncomplicated, and I just want to string all of those times together. I want to tell you what I'm really thinking, but there's no room for that now. I didn't realize that I was walking around with a heavy heart of regret. I pretended and pretended until it was buried far away, and I dare not talk about it. You were the real, and then there was the imaginary. I chose the imaginary to see if it could turn into reality, and I was wrong. I was foolish and confused, and I didn't fix my mistakes in time. Now we're old and moving on, but I still remember all the little significant moments.
We talked, really actually communicated about life and not just you trying to trick me the whole time, and I remember the way I love when you make me laugh. And I didn't want to because it means I'm getting sucked in, but I couldn't stop making eye contact. In the way you incorporated all of these small memories, it let me know that you didn't completely black me out from your past.
It dawned on me the reason why I disliked myself so much for all of it, before. Because I'd been there. I'd been there on the other side of the choice, and I knew what it felt like, and still for some reason I was blinded by this hope for what I thought was the right decision, and I made someone else hurt like I hurt. I knew how bad that was and that's why I was so ashamed because I didn't ever want to make anyone else feel like that.
It's one of the last times I thought past step one. I don't usually let myself go there. I don't imagine anything that would become routine and normal. But it's been a few years, and deep down, I can't let it go because I know.
The possibility, the compatibility, and foolish mistakes...
I thought that I lived beyond regret, because what had passed, had passed. And if people show back up, then there's a reason, but sometimes, they don't come back. And I had learned to love the memories for what they are, and what I learned but this is one lesson I couldn't leave behind. I feel like I silently in the back of my soul wait for the moment when I can have a do-over, and show that I'm not so careless, prove that what I felt was sincere. And I know that I may never get the chance. I know that it may turn out like other things and we'll both move on and get older, and you'll get married, and I'll still be me.
I may not get that chance, and I have to live with that, but knowing that you don't harbor any hatred towards me and you can talk to me and remember and we don't spontaneously combust, that I can live with...
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[29 Oct 2009|05:15pm] |
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Life has been a challenge this week. Having to be a computer tech geek multiple times the past few days was not part of my plan. Being burnout from three tests before I got to my project was not part of my plan, but here I am. Now, I think God is smiling at me, or sending me a high five or something, because I was looking for a newspaper article written about the subject of my project, (and it's a fairly recent episode of Law and Order), and oh TADA! one was written this morning. What are the odds? Smiling. So now I need to just not spontaneously combust, or loose my mind before tomorrow, so I can get this done.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[28 Oct 2009|11:11pm] |
I just read the lyrics to "King of Wishful Thinking" and then "Time after Time" started playing on my iPod, which is so not even like...even entry worthy material, but for some reason I'm sitting here on my bed in the middle of my millions of books to study from, crying. Silly crying. Why so many tears lately? They're about everything. I'm not even sad. Ahhh. I hate being a cry baby, but at least it's not in the middle of everyone.
Really what are the odds that, that song was playing? And we both commented on the awesomeness of it? And that...I hate that it's getting closer to my birthday and silly me would wish the same thing again. The wish came true before my birthday, but I considered it my present. You know, until...oh, forever?
I am so lame. You're not even that awesome, but secretly you kind of are, and I wondered why God always makes that so apparent? Is this a trick? Is this a lesson for my future? Am I taunted by you know because someone even more awesome exists?
I don't mean to, but I compare people.
They're not you. They can't be you. I don't even want them to be you, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I walk away from an extended conversation, and I just wonder. And wonder some more. And sometimes, I'm in the middle of making eye contact, and I realize that I'm not seeing the person sitting across from me.
Life is weird and tricky like that. Why do I even have that ability?
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2 You're killing me smallss| How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[26 Oct 2009|11:29am] |
I was just being a cry baby. I got my head stuck in this stupid place where I imagine how things could have turned out differently. If they had, I wouldn't be who I am now. I don't know where I'm going, but I know where I've been, and I'd like to think that I've grown enough to learn from decisions that I've made in the past. Of course, I'm going to mess up in the future too, that's inevitable, but I think I need to be done with the days where I beat myself up over it. I said my apologies, and I asked for forgiveness, and I think I need to move on. Really. I have a hard time letting things go when the situations are so vivid in my memories. When the cold weather of Tallahassee starts brewing, and the rosy cheeks and hooded sweaters break out, I get lost in a time in my memory where it seemed like there was a road of endless possibility before me. Of course, life is full of opportunity but I don't think they relate to what I hoped for once upon a time.
It's easy to get lost in the dreaminess of a memory because you can pick out the parts that make sense and string them together, and then wonder, why would I leave such a peaceful happy situation behind? But life isn't like that exactly.
Playing the what if game all the time will turn your life upside down. I haven't really been doing it, but it's tempting. I just keep thinking I need to shrug off the memories that waft back in, and live in the here and now.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[25 Oct 2009|11:21pm] |
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This is the "I don't know why I'm crying" room. I'm not sad exactly, but I can't stop crying. It's the curse of a brain full of a katrillion memories. It doesn't matter how many new memories I make, the old ones don't get pushed out.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[22 Oct 2009|11:18am] |
Maybe I'm out of my who needs more school funk? Maybe not, it's hard to say. But as I was sitting in my literature class this morning, and I finally commented, I remembered why I like all of it, the whole idea of school. There are so many things that I've come to love, that make up my days and a lot of them spur from school.
Life is like this giant story, and you don't know what's on the next page. It's always fascinated me, the way that each class is a different part of the story. They're not all good parts, but they're surely different.
Sometimes you get the crazy sporadic teachers, sometimes you get the monotone "Bueler, Bueler?" teachers. Most of the time there is that person in the class with the bright eyes, and the witty comments, that I look forward to seeing every few days. Sometimes, there's a bond formed over the last sounds coming out of someone's iPod headphones, as they're turning it off getting settled for class to start. Sometimes, it's a conversation started over a pair of shoes across the aisle, or what came on tv the night before, or the crazy dorm roommate or hall story from this morning.
It's so much more than what we learn in class. It's all of the other elements that make the story. I think I don't want to miss those parts of the day. I don't want that part of the story to be over yet.
Eventually I have to come to terms with the fact that there aren't anymore notes to be written on the fresh pages of a new notebook. There aren't more days to be annoyed by the person sitting behind you who always kicks the little window in the back of the seat. I'm not going to watch movie trailers and commercials and analyze them in a roomful of equally interested people.
It's the shift, eventually it's going to happen, but I just don't know when yet. I could milk a few more years out of it, or it could be over in six months.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[20 Oct 2009|11:45am] |
This may as well be a dream journal, right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night. I don't really remember the dream exactly. But I know that it involved how we perceive media violence, that I was observing my own perception. I don't even know if that's possible. But it was in that inbetween of dreams and reality, the thin line of possibility.
I just know that I was rooting for that character that isn't exactly the good guy, and not exactly the bad guy. I was justifying her actions that were not extremely positive.
How is it that I'm dreaming about school? I just explained how I didn't feel so passionate about school right now. Isn't that strange?
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[19 Oct 2009|11:59pm] |
It's odd, but all of these dreams have been so vivid.
Here's the deal with this one (so strange, by the way.)
M Shea and I were wandering through this furniture store (we've never hung out/talked outside of class last year, so this is so weird to begin with) and it looked kind of like Sam's Club where the shelves are really high. Actually, the height of everything was outrageous. Kind of like Clementine and Joel are in the kitchen when they're "kids" in Eternal Sunshine. Well, we walk over to this rocking chair display, and somehow I manage to knock over this enormous set-up. We started running through the aisles, hoping not to get "caught." I remember that, and that we were "listening to" (I don't really know how, there weren't ipods, or music playing over the speakers of the store that I could hear, but I was just supposed to know) this band called Balloon Hippola.
I woke up and remembered the band name, and even after I went to sleep I still remembered it. Maybe the balloon part came from Balloon Boy this past week.
Then the second part of my dream, I was at some mall, maybe Crystal River, and Beth and other people from old school days were there. I was in line to get icecream for Coldstone, and the guy working was getting mad at me because I sampled everything and couldn't make up my mind. Then I told him I was going to go away and think about it, and maybe I'd come back.
Well, I went over to the bench where everyone was sitting. Then I went back to the line again, I'd finally decided sort of, and J was standing next to me, and he asked me for money (I think to see if I'd give it to him), and I did then he walked away. Then I only had $2, and couldn't buy the icecream. This girl felt bad though and gave me a small weird shaped cone with chocolate.
Everyone has been enormously tall in my dreams lately, and I've had to struggle to look up at them into their eyes.
I wish I could decipher what that meant.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[19 Oct 2009|01:06pm] |
It's not hard to talk really. I don't mean this offensively, but really. Ideas are good. But eventually can't you put action behind them? Any of them.
It's really frustrating because you can have this great conversation with someone, agree about art, music, cultural things, but then there's just all of these ideas...lists of ideas and dreams. Of course, I'm all behind "thinking big," but even baby steps are better than absolutely nothing.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[18 Oct 2009|10:16am] |
Yesterday turned out really nice actually. I had just had this overwhelming sense of loneliness on Friday, and it all dissipated yesterday. I made some new friends, and one of the girls even had the same idea about how there should be a swing set on Landis Green. When does that ever happen? I did sack races with a little kid, and it was freezing and we ate some chili.
Then Camille and I went to see Where the Wild Things Are, which was pretty awesome. It's kind of a crazy movie, but I wasn't expecting anything else.
Plus, I had this dream last night. (The thirtieth time I've said that since last week, probably). It's really sticking with me, already. Everytime I woke up and went back to sleep I went right back to the same dream. Again, I wish this one was real. It's a different person, though. But it just made sense. I was so overtaken by the moment in the dream, that I was lost in the conversation because I couldn't believe the moments were happening. I mean that probably sounds really lame, but it was just weird. Also, it was at Grace Mission.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[17 Oct 2009|01:10pm] |
I had another frustrating dream. I feel like there must be something I do during my day, like a certain food I eat, or SOMETHING that makes these happen so frequently.
I can't even explain this one, I don't even really get it. There was a lot of craziness, and a lot of whispering, and beards, and fences, and planes, and crazy ridiculous outfits, and strangers, and height.
I'm over the emotion of yesterday. Kind of. Enough where it's not consuming me like it was in my frustration yesterday.
I'm looking forward to volunteering with the Boys & Girls club all day today.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[14 Oct 2009|10:49pm] |
I am exhausted. I can tell because I'm crying over ridiculous things that should make me cry. It's like...I just wish I could be in seventeen places at once. I wish I could fast forward like a month. It's not that I don't think pretty cool things will happen between now and then, just my brain would feel a lot better.
I just need a gigantic hug.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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[13 Oct 2009|10:18pm] |
Oh, and btw- this is kind of what I mean about life. Like having to function with my normal self, and then whatever my subconscious tries to throw out there. For instance, to freak out in my head all day about that dream was ridiculous. We're no more closer to each other than we were last week, just because some ideal world seemed to work out while I was sleeping.
I mean sure, that'd be super awesome, but I've learned from past experiences it's not always the best idea to share these "great ideas" with the other person.
This would be a great candidate for one of those cases.
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How can I have s'more If I haven't had anything yet?
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